The Eating with Insight Origin Story
How evolving my relationship with food led to this
In the past several decades, researchers studying attachment theory have come to an incredible understanding about the power of story. Attachment theory posits that early bonds are a predictor of development and well-being later in life.1 What researchers noticed, however, is that the repercussions of an insecure attachment in a person’s early life can be mitigated if a person is able to make sense of their experience with that insecure attachment. As Dr. Dan Siegel puts in his book Mindsight, “Having difficult experiences early in life is less important than whether we’ve found a way to make sense of how those experiences have affected us.”2 Essentially: story heals.
For this reason, exploring and understanding your food story is a key component of my Eating with Insight method. When you’re able to get the ebbs and flows of your relationship with food into a narrative and down on paper, something happens. Things begin to make sense. You become the narrator with a 10,000 ft view, rather than a victim tossing and turning in the waves. You can see the patterns, the triggers, and the misguided attempts to get what you truly needed. You can give yourself the love and compassion that has likely been missing and finally throw yourself a life line.
However, wrangling this story out of boxes in your head labeled things like “shame” and “gross” is no small feat. It takes patience, care, grace, and courage. So, in an effort to make this daunting task feel more doable, today I’m sharing an abridged version of my story. It’s embarrassing and silly and silly how embarrassing it has always made me feel.
Chapter 1: Jello-O Pudding Cups (Childhood)
My earliest memory of “disordered” eating involves eating multiple, I think about 3 or 4, Jello-Pudding cups in a row and then hiding the empty containers behind the toilet of our downstairs bathroom. I don’t know why I thought that was a good hiding spot, but I know that it means that I felt that I had something to hide. Of course, because I was only in 1st or 2nd grade at the time, my hiding spot was discovered. I have a vague memory of my mom being concerned by the discovery and a more vivid memory of my brothers making fun of it.
I don’t really remember what led me to eat then hide a week’s worth of school snacks in a single sitting. But if I mush together my memories of around this time, I do remember coming home from school hungry. I’m not completely convinced, however, that I was actually hungry for food. Physical hunger may have been a piece, but I think I was more hungry for comfort. I was a sensitive kid who could, and sometimes still do, cry at a moment’s notice. To this day, I find being out in the big world too long overwhelming. It seems I’ve always had the urge to retreat into something sweet and safe.
A few years after the pudding cup incident, I remember once again serving myself a larger than perhaps necessary after school snack. After eating it, I went to the bathroom and pinched my stomach fat. I remember thinking something like, “it’s still okay.” I had made a judgement that, for the time being, I was getting away with my eating habits. I also made the first of many similar promises to myself: when it get’s bad, I’ll stop.
Chapter 2. Wasa Crackers (Teens and 20s)
I have incredible parents and grew up in a wonderful, loving home. Even so, my family was unable to escape the long tendril’s of America’s diet culture. I think my parents spent most of the late 90s and early 2000s on some kind of diet. Weight Watchers, Atkins, low fat, low carb. I have a vision of my mom eating Wasa crackers with SmartBalance “butter” that feels so emblematic of this time.
I probably went on my first diet in middle school. By high school, my friends and I were doing Weight Watchers together. I do not know how my mom was able to abide by that program for so long because you can barely eat anything on it. My friends and I were starving. We’d last probably 72 hours on salad and low carb crackers and then end up covering Eggo Waffles in ice cream and peanut butter.
This cycle of restriction to overindulgence lasted well over a decade. In college, it was common logic to forgo dinner and drink vodka with Crystal Light on the weekend. Obviously, this would lead to eating pizza on the floor at 2am. I think I started a new diet and recommitted to Soul Cycle every Monday of my first few years after graduation. I would go to Trader Joe’s on Sunday to buy chicken breasts and vegetables and by Thursday evening at the latest be desperately seeking pasta or cookies or anything more fun to eat.
I remember the energy of these years as frantic - frantically trying to find a diet that “worked,” to stick to an exercise regime that would transmute my 5’1” curvy frame into one resembling the bodies on America’s Next Top Model, and begging and berating myself to just eat less and exercise more, all to no avail.
At this point, I was pinching my stomach fat in the mirror every day and obsessing over how to stop and reverse the cumulation I was feeling. I was absolutely convinced that I was the problem. I should be able to eat just one 90 calorie granola bar. I should be able to skip meals and do high intensity workouts every day. But I couldn’t and it felt terrible.
Chapter 3. Eggs and Avocados (Late 20s - Early 30s)
The first bit of steadiness in my relationship with food came when I did my first round of Whole30 when I was 27. In some ways, I don’t like to admit this because it sounds like I eventually did find a diet that worked. But, the Whole30 isn’t actually a diet, it’s an experiment. And one that I learned a lot from. My three big learnings from the experience permanently transformed the way I nourish myself:
Protein and fat keep me full - I started eating eggs and avocados for breakfast. I was not hungry by 9:30am and it was a revelation. I had been equating hungry with healthy for a long time, and to realize that was not the only options was an immense relief. I let myself eat as much as I needed, as long as it fit within the Whole30 rules. It felt so good to be satisfied, and guilt-free about it.
Sugar and starch are not the only was to make something delicious - On my death bed, I will be eating nothing but sugar and starch. However, the Whole30 taught me that there are other delicious and satisfying foods out there, and gave me lots of practice in how to prepare them. I learned about the power of a good sauce, the easy magic of a perfectly roasted vegetable, and that you can add herbs, spices, and avocado to improve almost anything.
Cooking can be self-care - Meal prep gets a bad rap, but it really works for me. Doing Whole30 began to transform how I see cooking. What was once a chore became more like a sacred activity. It feels like writing a love note to future me. With the right jams, some yummy recipes, and a bit of good cooking gear, I’m able to create a weekly experience that feels so nourishing, on the Whole30 or not.
Doing Whole30 and subsequently expanding my understanding of nutrition through books, courses, and experimentation allowed me to experience in my body how healthy truly feels to me. I had been feeding myself so far only from my mind by trying to eat the foods I thought I should. Now, I was tapping into the wisdom of my body, taking note of how different food and exercise impacted my energy, mood, focus, and self-esteem. Gaining access to this wealth of information made the task of nourishing myself well so much easier and more intuitive.
However, even knowing all that I did, I still made food choices that left me feeling bad. Sometimes these choices were one offs and sometimes they spiraled into weeks or months where I reverted to my old, frantic ways. I continued to feel like I should be able to do better and was so disappointed with myself for coming up short.
Chapter 4. Ice Cream on a Summer Evening (Now)
Alone in my apartment during deepest days of the COVID pandemic, I read Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth and maybe had a spiritual awakening. I am not religious, but this book SPOKE TO ME. To oversimplify, the premise of the book is that how we eat tells us what we believe. Our challenges with food and weight are not truly about food and weight. Food is the language, and the message is what we truly need to focus on in order to be fully alive in the way our soul is calling.
Reading this book opened up a pathway for me to finally understand why my relationship with food felt so fraught. It gave me permission to focus less on food and the fat on my stomach and more on my life. After reading this book and working with the lines of inquiry it opened up for me, I became a certified coach, got promoted twice, started dating with joy, met the love of my life, started a business, and developed a more peaceful relationship with food and a healthier mind and body.
Food was never the problem. It was and continues to be the flashing light trying to direct my attention to where it is needed most. I have gone from viewing my relationship with food as a source of shame and frustration to a source of wisdom. It is a friend not a foe, an advisor not an adversary, and I am so grateful for it.
This past Sunday, my partner and I strolled hand in hand on a beautiful summer evening to get ice cream. I just needed a scoop, because my life is already pretty sweet as it is.
Chapter 5: Self to Service
Every time I reflect on my story and look out into the world at all the suffering, bullying, shame, and hurt surrounding food and eating, I become more and more convinced of the importance of exploring and transforming in this area. I have continued to study nutrition and eating psychology, including pursuing certification from the Institute for the Psychology of Eating, so that I can best be of service. I created my Eating with Insight method and suite of offerings to lay out an accessible pathway so anyone can harness the guidance available in the everyday act of eating. I can’t wait to see where this story goes next and who I meet along the way.
Thank you for reading ❤️ I’m Anna, a certified mind-body eating coach who addresses challenges with weight, overeating, binge eating, and emotional eating with curiosity, compassion, and informed choices. I invite you to learn more about my work and reach out with questions, comments, or to receive support via my coaching offerings at annagordoncoaching.com.
Siegel, Daniel J. “The Verdict Is In: The Case for Attachment Theory.” DrDanSiegel.com, https://drdansiegel.com/the-verdict-is-in-the-case-for-attachment-theory/.
Siegel, Daniel J. Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation. Bantam Books, 2010, 172.